Yeats' Troy

I have been thinking lately about how, as human beings, we are so interdependent on each other emotionally. Of course, I don’t like the very idea of dependence. Being dependent emotionally, intellectually or in any other way. It limits our happiness. And puts someone else in charge of how we feel. But I can’t help but feel that sometimes, it happens even when we don’t want it to happen. Matthew. D. Liberman recently wrote a book called ‘Social: Why Our Brains are Wired to Connect’ in which he talked about how human beings feel pain at separation from a loved one almost at the same level or scale as we do when we are physically hurt. Not for nothing do we hear of people turning alcoholic, diseased and even destroyed when they are abandoned or left by someone close to them. Literature and life are both full of such examples. And the one example that comes to mind is that of the fictional character called Devdas. The man goes on a spree of self-destruction when his beloved Paro leaves him and is married with someone else. He turns into a hopeless drunkard and a wanderer into the forbidden places of the society. My favorite scene from this 2002 film ‘Devdas’, is when Devdas (played by Shah Rukh Khan) asks both himself and Chandramukhi (played by Madhuri Dixit), “Why does a man lose his mind? Why does he fall senselessly in love with someone? Why?” Well I know what Einstein would say to that, "Gravity is not responsible for people falling in love." 

But it is hard and almost impossible to pin down how we come to like or love someone. I don’t think that it is in our control, really. People have been known to make the most ridiculous of choices in love. W. B. Yeats said that the most beautiful of dames make the most irrational of choices when it comes to choosing their husbands. He was obviously referring to Maud Gonne (the love of his life) who married John MacBride (a lame man). Yeats wrote some of the most admired lines in poetry recalling his failed affair with Maud. For example, this one:

“Why should I blame her that she filled my days

With misery, or that she would of late

Have taught to ignorant men most violent ways

Or hurled the little streets upon the great.

(from 'No second Troy', 1916)”

Which brings me to another interesting fact about love. And that too about a love that has been interrupted. They say that it is artistically inspirational to fail in love. The pain suffered can motivate the most poignant of creation. And it is not just the pain endured in love but the pain of failure in just about anything can drive one to excel and perfect his craft. J.K Rowling was on the brink of committing suicide, frustrated by her many failures in life, when she created Harry Potter. Thomas Edison invented the light bulb a week after he lost his factory to fire. Think of any great artist and you will find some great pain or the other in their lives that drove them to perfection in their field of endeavor. I love a quote by Nicolas Sarkozy in which he said, “I am the product of all the insults I have faced in my life.” 

So, how can we love someone despite knowing that nothing is permanent? The take of the hindu religious text, 'The Bhagvata Gita' on this topic is very clear. It says that we should not allow ourselves to be attached to people. That we should live like a lotus leaf in the world. A lotus-leaf is unique in that it doesn’t allow itself to be touched by a single drop of water despite being inside water. No droplet of water can cause wetting on the surface of the lotus even though the water is never away from it. When you look back at the myths and legends related with Krishna’s life. You will find that the guy had no less than eleven thousand girlfriends. What he said to justify his affairs was that all those affairs were free from any desire or attachment. But I wonder just how many mortals would be capable of doing that. 

But here is what I think is doable. 

Love people. And love them passionately. Make no conditions. Make no discounts. For a while, forget about attachment and stuff. And give all the love you have got. Love can hurt, of course. But I don’t think that anyone ever experienced true happiness without first knowing what misery is. You must not be scared of pain. I think that pain can be beautiful. It can really be taken in a positive way if one tries. It’s a great teacher-this pain. It makes us stronger. And if we are afraid of it, we would never really risk enough to get enough in this short life. Thank your stars when you feel pain. Know that you are growing when you feel pain. And the fear of having to suffer pain is what scares people away when they think of loving someone. The fear that the other person might not be as loving. The fear that their heart might be hurt by them. And of course, the dread of the goodbye is always there. But like Steve Jobs said, “Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.” 

So, we are already naked. We are all dying. We might as well die doing what we love,  connecting with people whom we love instead of living in a cocoon of self-banishment and false pride. It’s a choice, really. Just like not doing so is. And I truly believe in the philosophy that on our deathbeds, the thing that will hurt us the most, the ache we will carry with us won’t be of the things we said or did but they will be of the things that we wished we had done, or wished that we had said. There are costs attached to that choice. But that’s just the price we will have to pay for something more meaningful. 
So be strong and keep loving.